Follicular warfare.. has begun.
While I am typically a peace-lover.. there is such a thing as a just war. And this? Is just. Sure— You thought I was relaxing on vacation, little did you know that a battle of epic proportions had begun.
The war against leg hair. I’m spending a week at the beach..which requires much wearing of shorts and bathing suits. This mandates the just war. Hairy legs on the beach? Not so much. The war takes place every single day just after coffee, in the shower. I vaguely remember my mothers warning when I was 11 and desperate to be “grown up” and start shaving my legs… “Once you start it just gets worse” She said… It’s taken me nearly 30 years to admit.. she was right.
I suppose this is partly due to my Italian heritage… but sometimes I wonder if it’s a curse brought on my by mouthiness during puberty. Either way: IT. IS. ON.
I’ve tried every strategic battle move:
Chemical Warfare- chemical cocktails called “lotions” that are formulated to turn leg hair into soup…. apparently my leg hair is considerably tougher than my skin. The skin manages to dissolve before the bionic hair. This tactic has been proven ineffective.
Psychological Warfare- Ummm I may have stooped to berrating my own legs in hopes that they would cower in fear… adn possibly surrender.. umm nope.
Economic Boycott– Refusing to buy nice hose or cute shoes- or allowing your legs sunlight- does not inhibit -regrowth.
Rumors of torture of prisoners of war as a fear tactic- Epi- things have been on the market for years— I had hoped the pure threat of begin torn form their happy little homes on my legs would be enough to fear them into retreat. It is not. These little buggers are stubborn. (nearly as stubborn as I am.. NEARLY.)
Biological Warfare- Bees wax sugar mixes and other organic substances have been warmed smoothed over my legs only to be painfully removed by force with strips of muslin… let’s just say the skin reddens- but like soldiers in foxholes… the leg hair remains. I’ve researched to see if genetic engineering has caught up to the leg hair realm yet– alas it has not… but with my luck-I’d end up with mutated leg hair the diameter of my thumb. Not a good look.
Hand To Hand Combat- Razor AKA bayonet of leg hair death. It’s not pretty- often bloody (ouch hate that) but at least it is effective for brief moments of time. The bummer is- it takes longer for me to SHAVE my legs- than it does for the little buggers to grow back in. Let’s just say- my calves have 5:00 shadow by noon.
Oh sure- there are other methods- threading- professional waxing- the list continues ad nauseaum…. but then— so does the war.
Today? I am ready for the beach…as smooth as physically possible, (for the next 15 minutes, anyways) and have an arsenal fully stocked for the battle that will need to be repeated if I want a late night soak in the hot tub….sheesh.. who knew vacation could be war? (giggle)
Talk to you soon— smooth legged or not :P