Fast- I get– I live my LIFE in the FAST mode, partly due to ADD and partly due to being the mom of 3 boys. But this week- my lenten journey has led me to explore the biblical concept of fasting. I thought I had that down pat. Let’s just say: Not so much.
To be honest- I found last weeks challenge of prayer and meditation much easier. This weeks challenges are really pushing my buttons and I’m just beginning to figure out why.
Sunday- Fast from avoiding God’s presense.
Monday- Fast from all negative expression- (attitude, conduct or speech)
Tuesday- Fast from all non work related media (ipod, internet, TV magazines email, radio, etc)
Wednesday- a fast from food to be broken together at the communion table.
Thursday- Fast from a negative habit.
Friday- Fast from all unnecessary spending.
Saturday- Self directed fast.
Sunday went fine- avoiding God’s presense is only something I do ocassionally, I even focused on Jesus. Whom I sometimes tend to sidestep around because His grace is just too much sometimes..
Monday was much harder. I lasted 13.5 seconds when I became critical of the coffeepot for not BREWING FASTER. I DID manage to be less VERBALLY negative— but inside? My brain was in rare form.
Tuesday- I managed to cut down on but not fast from. Today- I felt that my conviction that I needed to start feeding my body instead of stuffing and starving it needed to take precedence. I ate breakfast.
I’m considering my negative habit options for tomorrow- I have several- the hard part will be in CHOOSING just one.
Looking over the list- it isn’t really the THINGS I’ve been asked to give up that have been the problem. It’s that some person has “decided for me” what my sacrifices should be. It riles up every bit my: “You’re not the boss of me” attitude.
At first- I thought it was about the decision maker. “Who do they think they are? ” But in truth- I’d have responded the same to anyone. I am convinced that this journey was supposed to be taken with little preparation on my own part. I was supposed to travel lightly and follow where it led, instead my stubbornness is getting in the way. It comes down to submission. Something I tend to AVOID as if it were fatal. I suppose, in a way it is. It’s dying to or of self.. something I tend to still after all these years, protect.
Today I’m praying in a new way- I’m praying that I would begin to see submission not as a punishment, challenge or torture-(that’s pretty much how it feels to me)- but as my personal SUB- MISSION. (part of my mission)
I know I am called to live out my journey with God where ever it leads… I am deeply committed to a mission to share that experience with others through relationships. What if I became equally committed to submission as my personal sub- mission?
I wonder what would happen?
Well- for one thing- I wouldn’t have been on facebook yesterday! Oops:)
Dear Lord- I am always disappointed when my strong will gets in the way of sumbission to you.. This week I’ve let my feelings about submitting to a human get inbetween you and I- I’m sorry Lord. God help me to learn to submit- engrave it on my heart as my sub-mission- help me to be as passionate about that as I am abuot sharing my journey. God, help me to submit first to you and then to those you place in authority over me.. I love you Lord- and am so glad you are patient. BTW- Lord? You ARE the boss of me.. and I love you. Amen.