6 hours… of my life.  WASTED.

6 hours, spent wiggling and jiggling and sweating in claustrophopic conditions attempting to find an outfit that “worked”.  That’s what clothes shopping has come too.   I hate it.  Which is probably good for my budget, but, is not so good for my self esteem.  Three way mirrors with flourescent mega watt lighting are enough to make Angelina Jolie, cry.  (OK, maybe not- but one could hope I’m not alone crying in the fitting room.)

Cute top after cute top was wrestled on, off, and thrown to the floor.  What was cute on the rack was either maternity-ish on me or just plain hooch- looking. I started to wonder if there was a conspiracy to make all women appear like either they are – 1) trying to get pregnant or 2) already pregnant. ( It seems like my 2 options are lingerie or maternity inspired looks, both fine,  just maybe not so much for my everyday look. .)

I went from one store to another— in search of the perfect (or at least the not embarrassingly bad, outfit. (It probably didn’t help that I was PMSing— there should be hormone detectors in dressing rooms that slam steel doors over the mirrors if you’re “at risk”.)

While wrestling and searching I realized I don’t get fashion. AT ALL.

Things I do not understand about current fashion:

Tops that do not allow for women to have breasts.  (Where exactly am I suppose to put them?  Offsite?)

Tops that draw and quarter breasts. (for the record- four boobs are NOT better than two.  Empire waists are to be placed UNDER them, not l not in the MIDDLE of them! )

Tops that have ribbons bows and strange gathering where one least needs it…ruffles at the bottom of tunic length tops are just WRONG.

Tops that highlight muffin-topping. (My problem isn’t so much muffin tops as a bundt cake butt- but I digress.)

Tops that require the purchase of additional layering pieces to make them even remotely appropriate. (However- nice try with the “selling up” attempt Fashion industry– it’s working) Also-layered tops that are sewn together in such a way as to become a mass of knotted fabric in the washing machine… yeah-I love that. NOT.

T-shirts that look fine until you get them home, and they turn see-thru.  (Especially when they actually fit- that’s just evil.)

T-shirts sized to fit barbie dolls and sold for full-grown adult women. Vanity sizing works for me.

Wrap tops that don’t wrap— they GAP. *The whole point of wrap tops is that they can be wrapped and fitted to perfection… please stop sewing them at weird places— and turning them into faux-wraps. it defeats the purpose.

Tops that are otherwise perfect- but with one strange fatal flaw— like sleeves that make my wrists look fat…(they do— I swear!) or openings where I least need them..

Built in bras that do nothing but mush and smush. (Hello… any one over a b cup will end up with the infamous uni-boob.  Like 4 boobs, one is not better than two.)

Jackets cut to fit beautifully—if I didn’t have breasts.

Jeans— should we even go there—?  I would however- like to thank the fashion industry for upping the rise from 1 1/2 inches to 4 1/2.  So much better. :(  Where are the activists who should be protesting all the cracks in the fashion atmosphere?  JUST SAY NO, TO BUTT CLEAVAGE.

Skirts with identity issues. Of which there seems to be  2 types- those of the “I am a belt but am trying to pass as a skirt” type. And the “Oh my word, how much ugly fabric can we elasticize and still be able to call it a skirt, not a tent? ” type.   I just want a normal skirt that fits my butt AND my waist and isn’t too short or too long… is that too much to ask?

I need a  Pencil-skirt like the pencils my second grader uses-   with one of those ergonomic grip things on it;)

Huge belts on highwaisted pants/skirts…. that say: “Hello, my boobs are sitting on a belt-shelf!” Not a good look.

Pants with ankles more narrow than my wrists…. my goal is not to look like a giant “?” Question mark.  Fluffy tops with tiny bottoms are weird.

I don’t get it at all.  I am the “average” size according to statistics.  (Although I am not exactly liking the statistics..) If I am the average….why are clothing manufacturers making clothing designed for  stick figures with perky boobs that look cute in maternity tops????  ( Since when do stick figures have boobs at all?  And why do mannequins suddenly need nipples? )

In short- Clothes shopping- not so much fun. Unless maybe you are pre-pubescent. And then?  You’d have the fight with your parents to look forward too- so maybe not.

However- making fun of clothes shopping??? Pretty fun…

The bottom line? It’s driving me to shoe shop.

WHY? Because SHOES ALWAYS FIT, and rarely make my feet look fat.

So, what about you?  Are there things about fashion that you don’t get?  Here’s your chance- RANT AWAY!