5 miles a day.  5 days a week.  It just sounded good.  25 miles a week.  Impressive.  At least to me.

And maybe that’s where I went wrong. Trying to be impressive. That, of becoming (yet again) obsessed with trying to lose weight.

I told myself it was about “health.” I told others it was about health. But the truth is- It’s about weight and health.  I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. I like facing a challenge and I like to ask the question: “How far can I go?”

Apparently the answer to this question is:  302 miles. Cause that’s how far I went before this- non- run- through-able injury. UGH.

As I type, There is (yet another) ice pack on my knee. This morning I went to see an orthopedic specialist.  I was both hoping (and fearing) that he’d give me a cortisone shot and send me on my way..as much as I HATE needles.. I thought it may get me back on the road faster.

He did not.

The Orth- thinks the pain could be one of three things: 1) stress fracture of the tibia 2) internal derangement of the knee or 3) pes bursitis.

None of which have quick fixes like a cortisone shot.

*sigh*

I asked if I could run. If not run, could I walk?  he said- “you’re having a hard time walking. Don’t you think?” I said “Well maybe running isn’t good for me.” (I was hoping he’d counter it with something encouraging.) He didn’t pick up on that underlying desire. He said: “well, I think this week, your body sent a pretty strong message about that.” You know biking doesn’t result in runner’s type injuries…”

This was NOT, what I wanted to hear.

I FELT, like he said: “You’re too fat to run.” He didn’t

I felt like he said: :“There’s no hope- you’re doomed to be fat because you can’t run.” He didn’t.

Funny how often I hear something entirely different from what people actually say, isn’t it? I have issues.

Somewhere in my brain I am convinced that the only way for me to lose weight is to run.

This is not true, sure- I’d burn more calories faster this way… but I’m also hurting myself.

Not a good option.

Right now, I don’t know if I’ll be able to run.  For sure- I have to make some changes.. mostly to my attitude. I need to let go of this pre-conceived notion that running is the only option. I need to let go of feeling like a failure if I can’t run. I need to let go of what has (once again) become an obsession with my weight.

I HATE that I find myself here, again. Allowing my self worth to be determined by a scale. I ate feeling hateful towards myself because of a number.

I need to focus on getting better.

For now- I’m allowed to do what I can do, without pain. Walking MAY become an option. I’ll try biking this weekend. For now, running, is not.

Friday,I have an MRI- we’ll know more then about how to go forward.

I’d just like to say: This detour sucks.

I know God is still in charge.. I’m sure I can learn from this.. but that does not mean I have to like it.  I don’t.

I’d rather run. But then… to be honest?  In a lot of areas I’d rather RUN.  I want to BE published… without having to go through the proposal process. Which is basically- running ahead in the process. I’d rather KNOW and do the right things than have to learn HOW.  I’d rather BE patient than learn patience…..

“running” is my way of shortening the process.  It’s my fast-forward button for life, and I LIKE IT.

The bummer is- when we fast forward in life- like in netflix… we miss huge chunks of the story… the plot.

Or our lives.

So today on the couch.. I’m struggling to walk, creep- crawl through this season of my life.  I don’t get to run, I have to slow down.

What about you?

How to you navigate detours and challenges and processes?

Are you content to allow the process to do it’s work, or do you attempt to find a fast- forward button? In what areas do you catch yourself seeking shortcuts and fast forwards?  Have you learned any hard lessons from them?