We planned on being EARLY for school. No- really. We did. We were ready early. We left the house early. We even made it to the driveway: early.

And that’s as far as we got.

We were late. Again.

It really wasn’t my fault. And, in the event that the local truancy officer is trolling blogs for offenses….I will blame the forces of nature- and maybe God.. cause they were both against me this morning.

Here is why we were late:

1)  The same amount of time it took to clear my SUV of ice- could have been used to have de-ice a Boeing.

2) Because: Ice scrapers lie. They look all: “Oh yeah I can clear ice in one swipe” but in reality they are “I am as effective as fingernails,at clearing ice” They leave stripes of ice no matter what angle you hold them at. My windshield looked like a frozen tic- tac toe game.  For the record:  I lost.

3) Standing out in the cold, attempting to scrape ice with still wet hair causes your bangs to freeze into an ice-dam and the rest of your head to resemble an igloo. It becomes a frozen helmet. However- be warned- It will not protect you from bumping your head when you try to climb back in with steamed up glasses after the de-icing. OUCH. Head bumps involve recovery time, and could make you even later.

4) SUV “running boards” are aptly named as they become a luge run when covered in ice. Do not use them as a step stool. You will end up having slid half-way under your vehicle.

5) It takes approximately 42 hours to melt any amount of ice with the “defroster.” Allow about as much time as you would to defrost your fridge.  If you still choose to stay inside the vehicle for deicing- I suggest bringing: snacks, a porta-potty and reading materials.

6) It took a little less than 2 1/2 hours to carefully drive the 100 yard hockey rink- that is my street. I did not want to re-enact the great tree-guacamole incident of 2006. (In which I learned that 4 wheel drive is not magical- you can power slide up the curb in the blink of an eye.) IMO: It was worth being late to save the trees. I’m green like that.

7) Because, by the time I was done scraping- my glasses had bloomed frost flowers and I had to de-ice them too. (I need snow goggles… just sayin)

8) Because, I thought I would save time by timing my “scrapings” between the wiper blade swipes… Don’t try it-I almost lost a finger.

9) Because we have “stuff” in our garage- instead of cars. (Like a boat and bikes and riding toys that no one uses…and enough fishing gear to outfit a few charter boats…)

10) Because- by the time I got back into the truck-my brain was damaged by the cold and I was convinced that the christmas music blasting from the radio was mocking me. I wanted to scream. (I may have- good thing Noah was wearing his hood over his hat….)It took me 13 minutes to get it together enough to drive.

We were only 4 minutes late…. I think I did pretty good.

Be safe! Stay warm! Better yet- stay home!