Update- Please scroll back a post for details;)
Yesterday- I was fitted for my temporary “flipper” teeth that will protect and cover the dental implants until the bone heals and is strong enough to handle the permanent prosthesis’.
To me? This is huge. I feel more confident, and free to smile again. The pics are of opposite sides- but both sides were done;) I am gap free and free to smile.
I accomplished something pretty spectacular. I DID IT. I faced my fear. In a big way. I am on the road to having a permanent and genuine smile back. There is more to be done, and more fear to face… but- I’m on my way, and I like the direction I’m moving in.
There is pain. It hasn’t been a fun week here. The fear prior to the surgery was rough to control. I did all the things I know to do: I told myself the truth: I can do this. I want to do this. I prayed. I kept busy and occupied my mind so it had less time to obsess on the fear. I was honest about how I was feeling both here- on the blog- and in real life. And it is worth it.
And I did it. I am doing it. This process isn’t over- and I have a 6 month check up. cleaning in December to look forward to- But now I’m trying to process that as another chance to over come the fear.
As I’ve been going through this process, I’ve realized that fear has been a bigger issue for me than I ever thought it was.
Fear has stolen more than my smile.
My fear of failure- has kept me from the calling I know I have and long to answer. It’s stolen my confidence, and worse yet- my confidence in God.. that He who began a good work in me, will be faithful to complete it. That he gives me the desires of my heart.. not that he gives me everything I want.. but that he PUTS those desires there….for me to enjoy as part of my faith journey. I know that I am called to write and speak… this isn’t a puffed up thing.. it’s just a deep knowing thing…that I’ve let become hidden much like my smile- by fear.
What if I made it up? What if I’m like one f those crazy people on AI who THINK they can really SING…. but can’t?
But now Im wondering.. what if I CAN? What if I do? WHAT IF I TRY?
Maybe it;s just as simple (and hard) as going to the dentist was. Maybe I need to tell myself the truth. Maybe I need to take the next step. And the next. And the next.
Maybe…. I’ll get back more than my smile.
I’ve also learned that my fear of failure and falling- (along with a side of: I know better than you- running is the only thing that works for me to lose weight- so I’ll run myself to bits thank you very much. Which-BTW- I accomplished and am much less happy about. Needing a titanium tibia because you refuse to ride a bike- is: stupid. justsayin.) has kept me from trying things the doctor’s have recommended to get healthy and fit. Like: riding a bike. The truth is I didn’t want to do it because: 1) I would look ridiculous. (Fat girl on a bike is a sight. Its just a fact.) and 2) I was afraid I would either a) crash or b) not be able to do it.
What if I ride the bike and love it? (That thought never crossed my mind.)
Honestly? I already started riding the bike. and I have to admit- I was wrong. I DO love it. It’s actually: fun. (Running hurts- riding- not so much. I SMILE when I ride!) And while I refuse to weigh myself— things are getting looser- and Noah announced that my butt is less BOINKY… so I think its helping;) I was wrong about the bike. Monday- to burn off some stress before the surgery- I rode 21 miles!
What if I decided to face my other fears?
What if I can do these things too?
What if I start telling myself the truth about them, too?
What if one of the gifts I can give my children is to see their mom- overcome fear?
What if I ask for prayer?
What If I continue to write, and take that as far as I can go with that- too?
I think it’s worth a shot.
Dear Lord- I am tired of fear. I am tired of letting it control e and my life. I quit. Instead of letting fear control me.. I am taking charge of fear. I am- going to keep riding the bike and see how far I can go. I am going to finish the dental work that has brought a smile to my face… and I am GOING to finish the book proposal and take the next steps to pursue publishing…because it’s what you’ve called me to do.. if I can deal with the dental fear- I can sure handle the rejection fear….(Although when it goes to committee I may need to be sedated…. justsayin) I love you lord- and thank you for the grace that leads me constantly closer to you- through my fear and into joy amen.
I don’t know what fear you are facing or avoiding right now. But I know this: you don’t have to do it alone. And you CAN do it if you choose too. Just take the next step. today. Don’t let fear steal from you what God longs to give. If you are afraid… talk about it here.. for pete’s sake I put my gap toothed smile up for the world to see and judge….you gotta know that I understand and will be praying that you can face your fear too! ;)