God heals. And people die.

Cancer can be cured. People die from cancer.

People who love God.

People who believe he can heal.

People of faith. People who trust Him.

Somedays I feel like a referee in a spiritual game of tug-of-war.

Or,maybe like the rope being pulled in two directions.  Or, maybe like the flag that hangs in the middle of the rope- struggling to maintain center.. Whatever…it’s TENSION. I believe God can heal. And I know people die. Everyday.

In addition to the tension I put at each end of the rope…. I feel the added weight of cheers of well meaning onlookers:

“Believe God will heal….and he will.” “You gotta be positive….”  It’s good to know I don’t have to pull alone…. but….sometimes it’s just more yanking of the rope I have to manage.

Those aren’t the only things that yank the rope… it also yanks- with a medical report of “We think we got it all.” or  “It’s still there.”

The rope strains between the reality of a life threatening disease. and my belief that “God is bigger than cancer.”  And: “By His stripes.. we are healed.”  Sometimes I wonder if the rope will break. (Or if I will.)

I believe He does heal.

But he doesn’t always heal. (Otherwise there would be a lot of very old Christians walking around…. and some seriously fiscally hurting cemeteries.) Besides– the bible says as much... we will all die from something. Someday.

Tug. Tug. Tug.Yank. Yank. Tug.

The rope continues to pull- and my brain plays out the implications of the cheering and my beliefs- like the deep roll of thunder during a storm, I hear it:

“If you don’t believe-God can’t [won’t] heal. And it will be your own fault. Don’t you have faith? Maybe you’re not even a real Christian.”

“If you don’t keep a positive attitude, the cancer will win. He will die. It’s up to you.” 

It’s not so much what someone says… and may not even be what they mean…. But, I hear it. Just the same.

For a while it was like six-pack ab’ed weightlifters instantly added to each end of the rope …PULL! Believe He will HEAL! PULL! Be positive! PULL! Cancer sucks! PULL. Believe. PULL. Positive. PULL! (Maybe thats why my neck hurts.. all that jerking of the rope…)

To be honest- It is wearing me out.

I wonder…What if…. I let go of the rope?

What if…I decided to trust God either way. If God heals, If he doesn’t. If Kyle lives. If he doesn’t.

Is that denying God’s power to heal? Is that being pessimistic? Is that doubting? Does that put his healing at risk?

I don’t think so… I think it’s faith. I think it’s trust.

I’m going with that.

Dear Lord- I know you can heal- and I ask you to heal my husband. Lord- I also know that you don’t always heal. I love you Lord- and trust in your plan- whatever it s. I’m letting go of the rope- I refuse to waste energy playing tug of war- when the battle belongs to you. Help me manage the tension Lord- by letting go of the rope. I love you Lord- amen

Not sure what’s going on in your life…. maybe it’s a health battle that’s pulling you in several directions- or a financial, spiritual or emotional one… maybe you’re hearing the cheers and their  implications and feel them as extra weight in the tug of war. Maybe their cheers are making you doubt your faith….Not your God— but YOUR faith… are you believing the right things? Are you believing enough?

If you are.. I’m wondering if maybe it’s time to let go of the rope. Maybe it’s not about US… Maybe- it’s about Him.

Maybe it’s time to stop trying to control God and your situation- And start trusting him.. no matter what.

Praying with and for you…. and asking you do the same for us;) Even here.