First of all: I’m part Italian. For which I blame both my hirsutism and my inability to speak at decibels lower than a jet engine. (We’re not talking clinical hirsutism here. that is a whole nother issue. We’re talking inconvenient hairiness…. okay?)  I also blame my Italian heritage for the ADHD of my hands. Which seem to think they are part of my vocal process. And they may be- since I also can’t speak without them. But, I digress. Now- back to body hair. Aren’t you excited?

So, who’s left reading? 2 moms still trying to slurp down their coffee while tuning out Caillou, and a few fetishists?  Or- do I have any body hair endowed sisters out there?

Not sure which category you fit? Answer these questions: (I’ll wait.)

1) Are you drinking lukewarm coffee in a desperate attempt to wake your brain up enough to stop obessessing over how that kid on TV ended up bald? You are probably in the first category. You may or may not be interested in the following.

2) If you found this site by googling anything more un-family friendly than body hair- you probably fit category 2. Click away. These aren’t the hair’s you’re looking for- and there are NO PICS. Go play somewhere else.

3) Have you ever wiped off Nair after waiting just a BIT longer than the instructions,(and maybe praying it would work) only to find a layer of your leg skin removed, while your leg hair is still neatly in place? Welcome. My sister. You are not alone.

Every time I think I have the battle under control- my nemesis: body hair, rises like a phoenix from an ash pile of shaving cream. I have 5:00 shadow on my calves. (Okay- it’s more like 12:30 shadow…. don’t judge me.)  My armpits resemble neat little birds nests by 3:00 pm and at 40 (something that’s old enough not to confess the exact- number) ? I’m starting to sprout what I  call: “new growth.” Unfortunately, it’s not the flowing raven locks I always dreamed of- it’s more like random twigs with roots to my jawbone- sprouting from my chin. (Sexxay. That’s all I’m saying.) Let’s just say that a couple of weeks ago my youngest looked at me with great excitement and said: :”Mom? I think you have a little mustache coming in!” (He’s 10. The kid sharpies on faux body hair in an attempt to rush puberty. Well. He actually hasn’t. Yet.  But, he totally would.)

See why this is a problem? The thing is- It’s not that I’m a body-care slacker!

I’ve utilized several battle strategies in my endeavor to overcome: The hair.

First we have Chemical Warfare- which, for girls like me, is kind of just an expensive joke and a way to waste an afternoon and probably wreck a few towels. (Maybe more than a few.Oopsy.) Some chemicals claim to “melt away hair” (They lie. They melt skin.) Others claim to “Adhere to- and allow you to gently remove” unsightly hair. This is code for: rip it out. These chemicals are one part duct tape & one part honey ( or silly putty.)  They remove more skin than hair- although they can be used to sculpt fun toys for the kiddies when you’re done. So, there’s that.

Next, I’ve tried every variation of Hand to Hand Combat there is. I’ve tried shaving “with the grain,” “against the grain” and straight down the drain. (Don’t ask. It involves Yoga. )  I’ve bought every multi bladed ginsu-like razor on the market. All of which work. (Once you recover from blood loss.) But, only for as long as it takes for your hair to GROW. Which It is ALWAYS DOING. (Caution- razors work-unless used on dry skin- NEVER DO THAT NO MATTER HOW DESPERATE YOU ARE NOT TO HAVE The pool “floaties” entangled in your tibial locks. It hurts and it’s ugly. Trust me.) I’ve tried hair growth inhibiting lotions and shaving creams with every additive but PBC’s. (Well- maybe that too- but it would have been legal then.)

When Chemical and Hand to Hand (Hand to leg? Whatever.) Warfare have failed me- I have desperately turned to Mechanized Warfare. Mechanized body hair weapons involve: Tiny Tillers AKA leg hair pullers. Which are a special brand of H*** Because they HURT enough to feel like they are working.  But, they don’t! (I can’t keep my eyes open when I’m in that much pain.) But every time I look down (After clearing the tears from my eyes..) I see that while the leg hair is now in neat little field-like rows, it is also, still:  firmly planted.  Next , there are the old skool slinky-type hair removers- and rotary razors. These pretty much leave crop circles on your legs. (Not the look I’m going for, But, I’m hoping someday it will be en vogue- cause I could ROCK IT..) My mom even bought me an awesome light saber of leg hair that skims over your skin and singes the hair off. Which works.  But, takes so long, that by the time you finish one leg, the other is in need of “emergency care.” The theory here is that you just work a part of your body every day and that eventually the “re-growth” becomes less and less. Which would be fine I I wanted to make leg hair my hobby or calling…. but it’s not. (Yet.)Beides, have you ever smelled burnt hair? No amount of potpourri will cover that up.

I’ve  heard you can have expensive laser treatments done by a doctor- and that spas offer similar services. But, I’ve also heard that you have to let it all “grow out” before undergoing such a “procedure.” I won’t be doing that anytime soon. I can’t. I have a small dog and a medium child- both of whom could be injured in such a dangerous endeavor. Possibly, lost forever. (Okay I’ve read about the “procedures” cause I’m both tempted and curious. Can you blame me? Don’t bother- too expensive. I checked.)

Like most wars that don’t end well… Or, maybe because I’m a Christian- I’ve even tried to “embrace” and “Love” my enemy.

When “soul patches” came into vogue a few seasons ago- I thought I’d discovered my own version- Soul patches… on my knee caps. I didn’t start a trend. (Side note: Apparently even after enough hours invested in the “practice of body hair removal” to earn me several doctorates-I still can’t shave my legs without missing a spot, or five. Which I usually find right about the time I arrive at oh., say CHURCH. Or some other place where a “touch up” would be equally inappropriate. (although I’ve been tempted to carry a razor along with my lipgloss. But, I do have a few boundaries. If not on the blog.Obviously.)

I’ve been known to wear dark tights to cover a bit of ummm… let’s call it: natural “texture.” (I miss those.Tights, I mean. And Nylons too…. Who’s idea was this whole “no nylons” thing? I hate you. In love, of course. Like I said: I’m a Christian. We do that.) I’ve also shaved just my ankles because I’m wearing dress slacks. (What? Doesn’t everyone? Maybe not.) I’ve even been known to pass up late night dips in the pool, because, while I’d already shaved in the shower.THAT MORNING.. my hairy legs would surely cause mass hysteria. I’ve also shaved my legs in the car (no worries my hubby was driving..ost of the times. Well, maybe a few worries because now that I think about it: gross.) because I was “nylon free” as is au current and noticed a swath of unshaved calf that would put a rancher to shame-right before bolting out the door. (In these emergencies an electric razor at least smoothes the edges.) I mean-  One simply can’t attend a wedding trailing leg hair. You wouldn’t want to distract from the bride or, be perceived as wearing a black widows vei. (on your legs?) That’s just rude.

Which, I guess to a lot of people this post may be, as well.

However- it’s also- mostly: true. So there. Now you’ve walked a mile in my hairy shoes……

All of which means I am:

1) So very glad shorts’ season is over.

2) Sick of leg hair removal.

3) Not shaving my legs today, because I spent too much time writing this post.

So, Am I the only hairy mom, or what?

What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve tried to “remove unwanted hair?”

And am I the only one who see the irony in how much Americans (Or is it more than just us?) spend in time and $ to  keep,color and luxuriate their hairous-crainious- while removing all other body hair?

Solution: I should grow out my leg hair- learn to walk on my hands and have the most EPIC comb-over ever. (That, girls, needs to be a cartoon. Too bad I cant draw. I probably COULD if I had spent all those hair removal hours in art classes, but it’s too late now.)

The end.