I started out this month so prepared. I had lists. Several lists.

Lists of things to clean. (like carpets and rooms used only by cats and men)

Lists of things to do. (like laundry and pet care and people time)

Lists of things to order. (Post surgery supplies… lame medical stuff Which- thnx to a friend- Is already here;)

Lists of things to get rid of. (I don’t know why. I just feel another need to purge…)

Lists of things to make lists of. ( I’m not even making that up.)

It’s like Pre-labor nesting without the baby bonus. (Although my ankles are swollen, I’m fat and everything hurts…. Hey! Maybe, I’m pregnant? Not.)

Then- life happened and the lists got left in a lurch.

Today I have a decision… do I kill myself (and possibly others)  trying to get all my lists completed in the next few days…. or just go with it?

Do I revisit the lists pared own and prioritize?

Or do I just…. do what needs to get done- and let the lists’ go?

Could I do that?

I’m not even sure.

But as I type this I know the right answer.

I need to let some things go. It’s not that important that the laundry room is spotless, that my kids room is clean (It never is, anyway. Why bother now?) Or, that the cat’s room is turned back into a dining room or that the college man cave is less cave-like.

Nope. Tonight, I take dinner to a grieving family. That’s important.

I need to dye my roots. (hello, root management is a must. I won’t be in a hair stylists chair for a while after surgery.)

I need to get my nails done this weekend. (It’ll be a while before I can do it again….Neurosurgeons and hospitals are not exactly fans of dragon-lady nails…. )

I need to pack a bag and make sure the house is safe for me to come home to.  (Clear floors accessible chair, shower  and bed.)

I need to rest.

I need to take time with my kids and husband.

And really? That’s about it.

Anyone coming to visit or bring meals after surgery will either: not care if the house is a mess or care and help- or- care and I will try not to care that they do. (They will make it easy… judging a mom for a messy house after surgery is pretty much a jerky thing to do… that’s their issue- not mine. remind me of this after surgery.

Or…  in moments of almost panic- I may cling to what little control that I have…. by cleaning and Making lists. Whether I cross anything off them or not.

While I wait for lame tests that may mean nothing. or something.

Cause here’s the thing…. I could technically get a call that says: Surgery- not such a good idea at this time. You need to wait.

Which would suck… not just because of the stupid neck pain…….but because: I’d have cleaned for nothing… Who needs that?

Not me.

So…. Lists… Living and Pre-surgical nesting…

Are you a nervous cleaner? An anxious list maker? A control freak who wants everything done so you know it got done THE RIGHT WAY? DO you nest before surgical procedures that don’t involve babies?

me too. maybe we should both step away from the spreadsheets…..and just live a little:)

(Yes, I have cleaning spreadsheets, so what?)

Dear Lord- Every day has been an exercise in waiting. Waiting for news. Waiting for information. Waiting for test results. Waiting for surgery. Waiting for laundry to be dry so I can fold it and then avoid putting it away. Please keep reminding me that you are here. Remind me that I am not waiting ON TESTS or SURGERY or RESULTS or LAUNDRY… but on you. You- who has promised to be here…. even here. In whatever my body is doing or not doing. In whatever the test results hold Or do not. In a clean house or a messy one- with completed lists or shredded lists….Even here. I love you. amen