Weird things that may or may not prove I’m cray-cray:

1) I had a self tanner incident that means I will be having surgery Wednesday, with splotchy, weirdly- orange legs.  Because- for what ever reason- being pallid post surgery just felt wrong.. ( orangey splotched legs= much better…) and it’s been too rainy here to get actual sun….. (First sign of cray cray: justification of lame actions.) Now.. I’m in a pickle… do I add more in hopes it’ll even out… or hope it fades by next week?

2) I suddenly decided that cleaning the wire rack in our upstairs bathroom had to be done immediately. Which means- I may or may not have taken it into the shower with me in order to multi-task. It now has rust spots. So does my shower. (On the upside- the rust spots pretty much match my self tanned legs..)

3) I absolutely must get my nails done before surgery. I’ll be obsessed until it’s done. And- I have no idea why pedicures can’t be covered by insurance…. If I bend to paint my toes I’ll get injured…. shouldn’t that be part of HMO coverage? What the heck. I’ll do them myself. I’m getting my neck fixed anyway.

4) I am not worried about the actual surgery… I AM worried about what to wear to the hospital and what to bring to wear while there….Pj’s of course. Slippers… but then- what to wear home? THIS IS IMPORTANT. (To no one.)  Pull on skirt and t shirt? Bigger issue: What shoes? I’m thinking black slip on flats… but they don’t actually match my slip on skirts….I will need a hospital stylist. Any volunteers?

5) Root Management Math:  Not square roots…. hair roots. If I dye my roots too soon- they will show before I can re-dye them. If I dye them too close to surgery- They will still be dripping red dye at the the hospital if my hair gets wet. (ie sweaty… or I get that first amazing post surgical shower while I’m there…) I’m guessing hospitals frown upon bloody looking pillow cases… it could cause them to freak. I’ll get diagnosed as psychotic… I can hear it now: “I’m NOT bleeding… just my hair is bleeding…” That- could sound crazy.

6)  I am trying to plan how to make my 10 year old not miss me on the 4th of July. If I get everything ready ahead of time…. will it make it worse? Because he’ll be thinking: “My mom did this. I miss my mom.)  Or should I just let them figure out a man-way to do it… and he’ll be thinking: “My mom usually does this….I miss my mom.” My plan right now: I’m buying stuff for them to have a s’mores bar….. (S’more bar= all kinds of chocolate, graham crackers and marshamllows served up with a bonfire…:) I’m also planning on facetiming in to yell at them to be safe and keep their digits. (They tend to buy “iffy” fireworks. I do not approve. I just tolerate the pyro once a year. It’s like a burnt offering to the man-cray cray gods. Keeps them satisfied for another year. More likely to happen: I’ll be wasted and wondering who’s making all that noise…. and maybe if it’s the beginning of the zombie apocalypse.

7) I am obsessed with getting my house clean before surgery. And I’m doing NOTHING about actually cleaning it.  It’s like dyeing my roots… If I do it too early- It’ll be dirty again before I go….

8) I am more concerned about my netflix and amazon instant video cues than whether there is any food in the house for the guys while I’m gone. (Again.. If i buy food now- they’ll eat it. Trust me. I’ll wait till Tuesday.Well, I’ll feed them before Tuesday… but you know what I mean.. I’ll stock up on Tuesday. FYI: Tuesday is gonna be a very busy day. Don’t call me.)

9) I just told the hospital (That loverly pre-surgical call to confirm (or steal) your identity and tell you not to eat before surgery.) that I know the rule is “No Make up” the day of surgery and that I’m totally ignoring that rule. I may have even laughed.

10) Seriously: I hate IV’s. I am more afraid of getting the stupid IV than I am of having the doctor flip me over, un zip my neck like a hoodie and re-arrange my spinal column while simultaneously bedazzling it with titanium rods. TRUE STORY.

“Dear Lord- You know I’m crazy. Maybe. You also know I’m doing my best to be prepared, take care of my family and manage my crazy. The truth is.. You wired me to think things through.. (yes, Lord, I’m blaming you.) Be with me Lord.. even here… in the crazy. I love you. Amen. 

Readers: so what do you do to prepare for surgery- leaving home etc? Anything become suddenly weirdly, wildly important that you KNOW is not important, but do anyway? (Like.. self tanning or any of the above?) Or am I the only one?

Speak up- No Mom alone!