5 miles a day.  5 days a week.  It just sounded good.  25 miles a week.  Impressive.  At least to me.

And maybe that’s where I went wrong. Trying to be impressive. That, of becoming (yet again) obsessed with trying to lose weight.

I told myself it was about “health.” I told others it was about health. But the truth is- It’s about weight and health.  I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. I like facing a challenge and I like to ask the question: “How far can I go?”

Apparently the answer to this question is:  302 miles. Cause that’s how far I went before this- non- run- through-able injury. UGH.

As I type, There is (yet another) ice pack on my knee. This morning I went to see an orthopedic specialist.  I was both hoping (and fearing) that he’d give me a cortisone shot and send me on my way..as much as I HATE needles.. I thought it may get me back on the road faster.

He did not.

The Orth- thinks the pain could be one of three things: 1) stress fracture of the tibia 2) internal derangement of the knee or 3) pes bursitis.

None of which have quick fixes like a cortisone shot.

*sigh*

I asked if I could run. If not run, could I walk?  he said- “you’re having a hard time walking. Don’t you think?” I said “Well maybe running isn’t good for me.” (I was hoping he’d counter it with something encouraging.) He didn’t pick up on that underlying desire. He said: “well, I think this week, your body sent a pretty strong message about that.” You know biking doesn’t result in runner’s type injuries…”

This was NOT, what I wanted to hear.

I FELT, like he said: “You’re too fat to run.” He didn’t

I felt like he said: :“There’s no hope- you’re doomed to be fat because you can’t run.” He didn’t.

Funny how often I hear something entirely different from what people actually say, isn’t it? I have issues.

Somewhere in my brain I am convinced that the only way for me to lose weight is to run.

This is not true, sure- I’d burn more calories faster this way… but I’m also hurting myself.

Not a good option.

Right now, I don’t know if I’ll be able to run.  For sure- I have to make some changes.. mostly to my attitude. I need to let go of this pre-conceived notion that running is the only option. I need to let go of feeling like a failure if I can’t run. I need to let go of what has (once again) become an obsession with my weight.

I HATE that I find myself here, again. Allowing my self worth to be determined by a scale. I ate feeling hateful towards myself because of a number.

I need to focus on getting better.

For now- I’m allowed to do what I can do, without pain. Walking MAY become an option. I’ll try biking this weekend. For now, running, is not.

Friday,I have an MRI- we’ll know more then about how to go forward.

I’d just like to say: This detour sucks.

I know God is still in charge.. I’m sure I can learn from this.. but that does not mean I have to like it.  I don’t.

I’d rather run. But then… to be honest?  In a lot of areas I’d rather RUN.  I want to BE published… without having to go through the proposal process. Which is basically- running ahead in the process. I’d rather KNOW and do the right things than have to learn HOW.  I’d rather BE patient than learn patience…..

“running” is my way of shortening the process.  It’s my fast-forward button for life, and I LIKE IT.

The bummer is- when we fast forward in life- like in netflix… we miss huge chunks of the story… the plot.

Or our lives.

So today on the couch.. I’m struggling to walk, creep- crawl through this season of my life.  I don’t get to run, I have to slow down.

What about you?

How to you navigate detours and challenges and processes?

Are you content to allow the process to do it’s work, or do you attempt to find a fast- forward button? In what areas do you catch yourself seeking shortcuts and fast forwards?  Have you learned any hard lessons from them?

It’s not the running that has been painful. Its the soreness and pain afterwards. Not just the muscle aches, which I expected, but a serious, throbbing pain. In my toe. The first day I ignored it. The second day I switched shoes, ran and then found it was swollen. By the third day, I didn’t run at all, I was wincing in pain. Shoes were not an option. Sandals were an outside possibility.

Not good.

Then, my toenail started looking bruised. The worse than bruised. U-G-L-Y. (You ain’t go not alibi)

Very, not good. I’ll spare you the details- but I managed to experience my first runners injury in 20 years. A few minutes with my friend Google and I discovered I had a (not so) lovely case of “runner’s toe.” (A hematoma/bruise under the toe nail.)

I took care of the toe. (No- you don’t want to know.) It’s now improving and I’m working to avoid this in the future.

It’s caused by 3 things: increasing mileage too fast, downhill running and poorly fitting shoes.

Apparently, my shoes haven’t been fitting properly. Ugh.

Sunday afternoon, in an attempt to rescue my run-momentum. I headed with hubby to: Running Fit, in Northville, Michigan. I ducked into the shop, feeling like a spy. I’m not exactly a “runner” nor, am I actually- “fit.” I feared being run out of the store as a misfit.

I wasn’t. I explained the problem and the goal; (to continue running as much as possible and not have to start all over again.. that would suck.) And then tried on more pair of shoes than I ever have in my life. Mizuno, Saucony, New Balance, Brooks, Nike.

I tried them on in various sizes. (I’m a shoe ho.. but this was extreme, even for me.)

I sought sock advice. (seriously, socks matter.)

I left with a pair of Brooks and 3 pair of wicking socks.. (I love my cotton socks.. but not so much for running.) I’ve scaled back my mileage to 3-5 (from 4-6) miles per day.

My advice?  If you want to keep running, make sure your shoes fit.  If they don’t… CHANGE them.

001

“I KNOW! YOU DON’T NEED TO RUB IT IN!  Why do you think I’m playing this stupid game anyways?”  I yelled at the little white, wiggling  “balance board”  icon touting my fatness all over the flat screen. (WHY do we have such a big screen anyways? To validate my shame?)

Watching the little scale weigh my tired, sore body and then pronounce the fact I already knew, infuriated me for some reason. It caused an immediate craving for chocolate, with a chips and salsa chaser.  (My perfect vortex of junk food..one bite tries to balance out the other.. spicey, hot and salty calls for a dousing of sweet creamy chocolate.. you just can’t STOP!)  For just a minute, I considered stepping off and retreating to my happy kitchen.  Or at least, to the comfy and rarely snarky; couch. 

Instead, I clicked through to “aerobics.”  I huffed and puffed through that first 3 minute run like a brownie overloaded, Thomas the Tank Engine working a steep hill.  I thought I might die.  I didn’t.

 I clicked to do it again.  I struggled to keep up with the little dog with an arrow over his head. I googled to see if there was a “leash cheat” that would attach that stupid dog to my Mii and pull me along.. there wasn’t. I got annoyed when the screen told me how un-steady my pace was.  Again, I considered running straight to the kitchen.  Again: I didn’t.

That was two weeks ago today.  That first day on the Wii Fit I struggled with 6 minutes of running. (Albeit in place) Yesterday? I managed 30 minutes, with much less angst. I barely fantasized about leashes, cheats or chocolate.  I’m starting to have more energy.  I even managed to work in some yoga.  (Which is apparently, hilarious to watch- according to my kids. So glad I can still make them laugh.. even if it’s at ME.  No worries, I’ll get them back.)

Theoretically, it takes 21-30 days to build a new habit… I think I just might make it. I’ll tell you this: exercise changes my attitude towars food.. instead of  “OHHH YUMMY”.. I say: “Ohh.. is that worth extra time in the tree-pose?”  Most of the time the answer is a resounding NO.

So far, I’d say- Wii Fit is a great fitness tool for moms.  There is flexibility to keep you from becoming bored.  There is minimal set up and it doesn’t take over your house the way a treadmillof other exercise equipment does. The cost isn’t exorbitant. (I got a deal through Amazon- a returned- open box  item for about $80- I only waited about a week fo it to come in stock and be shipped..)  And you don’t need childcare.  My youngest not only thinks it’s cool, but works out with me. Which is fun.  (Except when he tells me I look like a tree frog instead of a tree, and laughs at certain bouncy parts of me…that, I could do without.)

My goal is to get fit enough to be able to run outside. (Currently the extra weight I’m carrying makes my asthma worse outside- especially in the cold. Not to mention my vanity..about running in my fat girl sweats in public.. but I digress..) I’m also hoping to improve  my sanity, so that I eventually I won’t be arguing with the Wii.  Also: I want my haircut like my Mii.  Am I asking too much? 

Maybe.. But, I’m thinking the Wii Fit just might be able to deliver.

Interesting.. when I started this Lenten Journey I had no idea that taking better care of myself would be part of it.. I wonder where else it will lead?