5 miles a day.  5 days a week.  It just sounded good.  25 miles a week.  Impressive.  At least to me.

And maybe that’s where I went wrong. Trying to be impressive. That, of becoming (yet again) obsessed with trying to lose weight.

I told myself it was about “health.” I told others it was about health. But the truth is- It’s about weight and health.  I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. I like facing a challenge and I like to ask the question: “How far can I go?”

Apparently the answer to this question is:  302 miles. Cause that’s how far I went before this- non- run- through-able injury. UGH.

As I type, There is (yet another) ice pack on my knee. This morning I went to see an orthopedic specialist.  I was both hoping (and fearing) that he’d give me a cortisone shot and send me on my way..as much as I HATE needles.. I thought it may get me back on the road faster.

He did not.

The Orth- thinks the pain could be one of three things: 1) stress fracture of the tibia 2) internal derangement of the knee or 3) pes bursitis.

None of which have quick fixes like a cortisone shot.

*sigh*

I asked if I could run. If not run, could I walk?  he said- “you’re having a hard time walking. Don’t you think?” I said “Well maybe running isn’t good for me.” (I was hoping he’d counter it with something encouraging.) He didn’t pick up on that underlying desire. He said: “well, I think this week, your body sent a pretty strong message about that.” You know biking doesn’t result in runner’s type injuries…”

This was NOT, what I wanted to hear.

I FELT, like he said: “You’re too fat to run.” He didn’t

I felt like he said: :“There’s no hope- you’re doomed to be fat because you can’t run.” He didn’t.

Funny how often I hear something entirely different from what people actually say, isn’t it? I have issues.

Somewhere in my brain I am convinced that the only way for me to lose weight is to run.

This is not true, sure- I’d burn more calories faster this way… but I’m also hurting myself.

Not a good option.

Right now, I don’t know if I’ll be able to run.  For sure- I have to make some changes.. mostly to my attitude. I need to let go of this pre-conceived notion that running is the only option. I need to let go of feeling like a failure if I can’t run. I need to let go of what has (once again) become an obsession with my weight.

I HATE that I find myself here, again. Allowing my self worth to be determined by a scale. I ate feeling hateful towards myself because of a number.

I need to focus on getting better.

For now- I’m allowed to do what I can do, without pain. Walking MAY become an option. I’ll try biking this weekend. For now, running, is not.

Friday,I have an MRI- we’ll know more then about how to go forward.

I’d just like to say: This detour sucks.

I know God is still in charge.. I’m sure I can learn from this.. but that does not mean I have to like it.  I don’t.

I’d rather run. But then… to be honest?  In a lot of areas I’d rather RUN.  I want to BE published… without having to go through the proposal process. Which is basically- running ahead in the process. I’d rather KNOW and do the right things than have to learn HOW.  I’d rather BE patient than learn patience…..

“running” is my way of shortening the process.  It’s my fast-forward button for life, and I LIKE IT.

The bummer is- when we fast forward in life- like in netflix… we miss huge chunks of the story… the plot.

Or our lives.

So today on the couch.. I’m struggling to walk, creep- crawl through this season of my life.  I don’t get to run, I have to slow down.

What about you?

How to you navigate detours and challenges and processes?

Are you content to allow the process to do it’s work, or do you attempt to find a fast- forward button? In what areas do you catch yourself seeking shortcuts and fast forwards?  Have you learned any hard lessons from them?

The sun warmed my shoulders and my legs stretched into each step like a well practiced-dance. (In my brain anyway .. most likely? Not so dance-like in person. Unless of course flopping zombie is a new dance move…:P)  I checked my time:  48 minutes.  “I’m making my best 5 k time yet!” I thought.

Which is about the time the log splitter hit my knee/leg. The next step was as far from dance like as possible. I lost stability in my left knee and felt a screaming pain. “A cramp.” I decided.  “Walk it off.” I kept walking. It got worse. With. Each. step.

I was only a block from home. I could : A) call home and hope the college boy would wake up and pick me up without killing me. or B) walk back.

I decided to walk back. Each time my leg swung my foot up and into the next step, I had hope that it was better… each time it landed back on the cement, the hope was crushed.

“This is not right.” Was all I could think.

I hobbled home. I must not have any Zombie apocalypse prepared neighbors.. because if I had, they’d have been all over me.  I lurch and swing my arms and leg like a zombie chasing down grey-matter souffle.  I had an appointment to get to, so I got ready, and strapped the ice to my knee for the drive.

“I’ll be fine by the time I get there.”  The drive was fine.  Not much pain. When I swung my legs out of the SUV to hop out of the truck, I felt the crushing pain, again. “I’ll go to the doctor later, if it’s still bad.”

It was.  I did.

2 sets of xrays and a leg immobolizer later- I’m the same. The ER doc thinks it could be a partial tear in a ligament. Possibly with miniscus involvement, I think: IT HURTS. And it makes me cranky.

I can’t run. (umm the inability to walk, kind of precludes, that.)

I don’t  know exactly what’s wrong.  (control freak?  Why yes, yes I am. I am happier when I know whats wrong. Also: better yet when I self diagnose. :P )

This is a different kind of pain from any other that I’ve experienced.

I hate that I did this while TRYING to exercise.

I hate that in the back of my mind I am wondering if it’s from over use…(Read: my own dumb fault.)  I’ve been pushing it. and hate the idea of having to start all over.

Now, I wait. Have I mentioned, that I’m not a fan of waiting?  I like it about as much as I like pain. (From all this complaining- you could safely deduce- I don’t.) In either my desperation or impatience- I called and made an appointment with a ortho.  It’s tomorrow morning.

I am hoping that by making the appointment it will magically be better. If not– then I am hoping that by GOING to the appointment it will magically be better. I would like to be able to woggle (my version of walking/jogging/wobbling) tomorrow.

Right now I’m wondering…” is there a lesson to be learned in this? “(umm other than the obvious) And “How can  best use this detour of my life?”

So far- I got nothin. My brain is to addled to write about anything but the pain. I can’t do housework.

So here are some questions for YOU:

When was the last detour you experienced?

How did you spend it?

Any lesson’s learned?

Do you think this brace makes my butt look big?