The dirty beast crouched in the corner.  The brave and well armed Knight-ess of clean, raised her bottle of Windex in what could only be percieved as an act of war.  The beast growled, for a moment- a strange glow emanated from the dark gape that could be it’s mouth. A beep sounded. The Knight-ess wondered if it was an alarm, understood only by like-beasts, calling for help. Glancing to her right and left- she saw no beasts coming to it’s aid.  A ruse.  She saw right through it.

Undaunted, the shining Knight-ess thrust her paper- towel lance forward.  The “SQUEAK” of wet toweling on plastic, metal and glass deafening.  Her arm shook with effort.  Sweat stood out on her brow.  Just when she thought her battle was won, the beast, with new-found dirt (hiding in the not so wonderful too clean, grilling element) struck back.  What she thought was clean- alas, was speckled with dried Spaghettio’s and tomato soup.  Withdrawing her arm, she bumped the glass, leaving a smudge of sweat and (quite possibly) tears.  The beasts haunting , blue-green blinking (12:00) eyes glared at her in an assumption of victory.

The Knight-ess dug deep into her soul… with a mighty cry of “Tonight, we dine in CLEAN!” She deftly swiped at the dirt.  One. More. Squirt.  And the deed,  was done.   In place of a beast stood a shining clean appliance.

The Evil Microwave was defeated.

Clean ruled the kitchen once more. (well- most of it) All hail the Knight-ess!  Huzzah! Hoorah!  The Knight-ess soon found herself surrounded by a cheering crowd. (wouldn’t that be nice?… especially when I clean the floor around the toilet— I deserve it!)

That night-along with the King and Princes of her beloved kingdom,  she not only dined in clean… she dined OUT.


Why hasn’t anyone invented a self- cleaning microwave??? When I bought this new microwave- I had no idea what trouble would lie in wait. The heating element is a pain to clean around.  But- at $50…. I’ll put up with it for a while…. it will eventually die of old age- and then…. THEN my friends- I will find the perfect kitchen appliance.   (However,  with my luck… this microwave will live forever, out of spite.  No worries- this Knight-ess of clean (clean enough, that is) is capable of leaving a spoon in a cup of tea and reheating it until it either: A) causes a nuclear meltdown- thus destroying the evil microwave or B) Scares everyone in the house with sparking and noise enough, to warrant a replacement for breach of trust.

I need to get out more. ‘Nuff said.

Please note- I am fully aware that I could have cleaned every Microwave in Michigan in the time it took to post this….but this, my friends, is considerably more therapeutic.

“Beep, Beep”

I recognized the beep as the microwave.  But, I hadn’t used it at all today. Weird.

“Beep, Beep”   It kept beeping.

Thats when the smell of burning plastic and electrical components hit hubbys nose. “What is that smell?  Somnething is burning!”

We ran into the kitchen to find the front panel of the microwave had caught fire, along with a dish towel laying on  the counter in front of it. The flames were licking at the front of the microwave.. creeping higher.  My heart thumped in my chest, as I grabbed the towel to beat down the flames.  What felt like forever- was only, really, a few seconds of fire fighting.  But this was fire fighting in my kitchen.

While the fire was doused quick enough- but the reeking smell of flaming microwave may never leave. I have no idea, what happened.  No one was near it.  It was not, nor had it been used.  It simply started beeping and flaming.  The front panel was toasted and dripped molten plastic onto my counter top.  The counter top is scorched. 

My husband carried the microwave- still warm, but no longer smoldering, back to the WalMart store where it was purchased on November 27.   The Walmart employees had limitations as to what they could do to help.  My Husband was given the customer service number for Emerson.  No answer. He called from the WalMart customer service area.

No answer sums up the situation.  Walmart had no answer and offered no solution.  Emerson’s customer service only handles problems during limited hours.  My house could have burned down.   After much argument- Walmart eventually exchanged the flaming model for a smaller, cheaper one.

Am I satisfied with this outcome?  No.

My kids could have been hurt, or the house could have burned to the ground.  We were lucky, the house is here.  No one suffered more than fumes and stress.  (The youngest HATES the smell of flaming microwave, BTW.) There is a scorch on the counter top and we’re out the price difference between what we paid for, and what we now have.  (A microwave that will make popcorn- but not much else for a family of 5.) I’m thankful the damages were limited.

I’ve already battled microwaves-But until tonight,  I’d thought the toughtest part was cleaning them. Apparently I was wrong.  It’s the fire-fighting that is really tough.

 I believe this was a fluke, a rare ocurrance, but it bears a reminder- appliances can be dangerous. Use (or don’t use, in our case) with caution.

Also- WalMart?  In my opinion, you could stand to learn about customer service.  If a giy carries in a smoldering microwave that you sold him, you might consider working with the customer.