I set up my lap top hoping to write something meaningful, helpful……(Not so simple at this point. This currently involves: pillows stacked on my lap and books to make sure it doesn’t over heat…..) Instead, I wasted an hour goofing off on FaceBook and shopping on Zappo’s. Not buying.. just oogling. And maybe some time on Amazon too.

Because the truth is: I got nothin. That’s my offering to you today. Nothin.

I’m tired and hurting and recovering and not exactly overflowing with wisdom….. truthfully? I’ve been overflowing with crankiness and some whining and disappointment. Cranky cause I can’t get done what I want to get done. (Mom stuff. You know: THE DAILY LIST.) Whining cause I had planned on feeling better by now. (I totally ignored the doctors clear explanation that this surgeries recovery is slower and more difficult.I thought he was exaggerating. Or under estimating my toughness…He wasn’t.) Disappointed…..cause it’s slow. and my husbands PSA is steadily creeping up and I had really hoped that we were about to move into a season of getting better and BEING better…..

We may be… but it isn’t happening the way I’d envisioned. (I thought more sunshine and rainbows and dancing and music…. this is more like a slow slog through muck to escape the swamp…)

I’m praying. I’m reading. I’m talking about how it all feels. I’m knitting. I’m resting. I’m doing what I can. And nothing more.

I’m present. With my kids. (Trying to take time with each of them each day.) With my husband. (I’m so blessed he loves me even when I’m a mess.) With God and myself. And yes- with the pain. I’m BEING.

But, there isn’t much overflow.

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It kind of feels like swimming against an undertow- actually. Surprisingly- the swimming doesn’t feel like drowning. It feels more like a work out. This owning… this verse came up a few times…. Be joyful in hope…. Patient in affliction… faithful in prayer….

I may have nothing to pour out….. But, I am joyful in hope…. hope that my body is daily in small and slow ways healing….(A miracle when I think about what they actually did to my neck…. there are youtube videos of the surgery you’re welcome to google it: Posterior Cervical Fusion- C4-T1. For the Sciency- (like me) it’s interesting and amazing… for the squeamish-… don’t go there.

Patient in affliction? Well….. I suppose this is the process of being patient in affliction…. by suffering through it. By not trying to escape it….by letting it do it’s work. (Pain is my current affliction…..it’s a constant reminder to let my body heal.It has a purpose to accomplish. well… In theory. It still also: sucks.)

Faithful in prayer… well… (more…)