The last time I woke up with a stomach so queasy, I was pregnant. There are solid scientific reasons why that could not be the case this time. (Although God does have a sense of humor, and is sovereign…..) There is a much more simple reason for the queasin…..

I was afraid. Not just stomach flopping nerves… I was scared- crazy scared. As in psycho stream of consciousness that I awoke with that sounded like this:  “I don’t know if I can do this without screaming or crying and I don’t want to do it either way, and what if  I am that screaming, crying woman at the doctors’ office?  I think I’ll hide under the bed cause its not really so bad not to be able to walk for 2 months.. besides i think it’s better today anyway, and Jesus?  why don’t you heal me now? That would be good.  Why don’t I trust God to get me through this. I suck and am a huge baby, what kind of example am I setting for my kids, get out of bed and get on with it….”

Yeah, told you:  psycho.

Yesterday, I had a follow up appointment with my orthopedic surgeon for the knee injury that happened 2 months ago. It’s still craptastic.  It’s time to do something  a little more radical than rest, ice, elevation, leg lifts for quad strength and becoming one with the heating pad.

At my last appointment, the doctor offered me a steroid shot. I panicked and said no, and I’ve regretted it ever since.**  I didn’t say no, because I’m morally opposed to medical intervention, or because I am afraid i’ll be kicked out of the major league of mothering for steroid use. (It’s a different type of steroid:P) It’s because I have a needle phobia.

Not just a “needles make me squamish” type feeling. I have a full on, panic, blood pressure dropping, pass out and scare loved ones, phobia. It’s textbook. My symptoms are classic:  it starts with anxiety from the moment I know I may meet a needle of any type. If I know for 2 weeks, I feel moments of panic off and on for 2 weeks. At the doctors- I have:  Yawning, (an attempt to get oxygen) nausea, sweating, anxiety, light-headedness…. and sometimes passing out. Often after the procedure is done and I think I am fine.

Not fun. It’s: Embarrassing. Humiliating. Debilitating. (I avoid treatment. I have dental work from my TMJ that I keep putting off because the thought of a needle / procedure in my mouth is really more than I can handle. I’ll have to be sedated.) it’s serious.

Here’s what bugs me:  I spent 13 years as a pastoral counselor. I’ve studied, researched and understand phobias. I am totally cognizant that it is an irrational fear. KNOWING doesn’t change it. UNDERSTANDING doesn’t change it. Honestly, I think it makes it a bit harder to deal with. I heap guilt atop the fear. I feel like I should know better.

Avoiding it also doesn’t help. It just makes me feel stupid.

Yesterday, I had to make a decision. I could either a) go to my apointment and refuse more care that could help the pain level, or b) Give it a shot. (So to speak:P) (Can you hear the “Jeopardy theme playing, I did all day- because of course, my appointment was for 6:00pm. Nothing like prolonging the agony and phobia.)

This weekend is my inlaws 50th anniversary party.  The next morning I leave for our favorite vacation spot ever. Our Traverse city, Mi timeshare. I HAVE to be able to walk on the beach. I’s therapeutic for me. I need to be able to function and help at the party.

I need to be in less pain. I am getting desperate.  I’ve never been so debilitated in my life. I healed faster from all three c-sections than I have from this running injury. (Yes, c-section I’m fine with…. the shot/iv is the worst part- I’m a true freak.)

So yesterday, I decided that…. (more…)