I set up my lap top hoping to write something meaningful, helpful……(Not so simple at this point. This currently involves: pillows stacked on my lap and books to make sure it doesn’t over heat…..) Instead, I wasted an hour goofing off on FaceBook and shopping on Zappo’s. Not buying.. just oogling. And maybe some time on Amazon too.

Because the truth is: I got nothin. That’s my offering to you today. Nothin.

I’m tired and hurting and recovering and not exactly overflowing with wisdom….. truthfully? I’ve been overflowing with crankiness and some whining and disappointment. Cranky cause I can’t get done what I want to get done. (Mom stuff. You know: THE DAILY LIST.) Whining cause I had planned on feeling better by now. (I totally ignored the doctors clear explanation that this surgeries recovery is slower and more difficult.I thought he was exaggerating. Or under estimating my toughness…He wasn’t.) Disappointed…..cause it’s slow. and my husbands PSA is steadily creeping up and I had really hoped that we were about to move into a season of getting better and BEING better…..

We may be… but it isn’t happening the way I’d envisioned. (I thought more sunshine and rainbows and dancing and music…. this is more like a slow slog through muck to escape the swamp…)

I’m praying. I’m reading. I’m talking about how it all feels. I’m knitting. I’m resting. I’m doing what I can. And nothing more.

I’m present. With my kids. (Trying to take time with each of them each day.) With my husband. (I’m so blessed he loves me even when I’m a mess.) With God and myself. And yes- with the pain. I’m BEING.

But, there isn’t much overflow.


It kind of feels like swimming against an undertow- actually. Surprisingly- the swimming doesn’t feel like drowning. It feels more like a work out. This owning… this verse came up a few times…. Be joyful in hope…. Patient in affliction… faithful in prayer….

I may have nothing to pour out….. But, I am joyful in hope…. hope that my body is daily in small and slow ways healing….(A miracle when I think about what they actually did to my neck…. there are youtube videos of the surgery you’re welcome to google it: Posterior Cervical Fusion- C4-T1. For the Sciency- (like me) it’s interesting and amazing… for the squeamish-… don’t go there.

Patient in affliction? Well….. I suppose this is the process of being patient in affliction…. by suffering through it. By not trying to escape it….by letting it do it’s work. (Pain is my current affliction…..it’s a constant reminder to let my body heal.It has a purpose to accomplish. well… In theory. It still also: sucks.)

Faithful in prayer… well… (more…)

“I hate my body.”  I know I shouldn’t. I know the Bible says I’m fearfully and wonderfully made….I’ve taught classes for girls about treasuring themselves as God treasures them. But, to be honest…between failed surgeries, more surgery scheduled, chronic pain and daily frustration due to my body being uncooperative with my life……. I hate it, anyway.

Apparently, my body hate’s itself too. My primary care physician ran loads of blood work last week so we can try to figure out if there’s an underlying cause to my lack of fusion… (2 failed ACDF’s in the past 18 months.) One of the tests he ran was a long shot. For auto immune disorders.

Bingo! We have a winner. Or a loser…. something like that. I feel like the poster child for this year’s MOPS International my nest of transformation.... even here.Theme: “A Beautiful Mess.” 

I’ll be having more blood work tomorrow to try and figure out exactly what auto immune disorder I have. Auto immune disorders are (basically) your body attacking it’s self as if it is a source of infection or invader. (Your immune system attacks organs, joints, etc instead of things like.. Strep throat. Sorry body.. my neck is not strep throat. You’re: Confused. Knock it off.)

So… now we play the game called: Guess the Auto Immune Disorder. Is it: Lupus? Ankylosing Spondylitis? Rheumatoid Arthritis? Hashimoto’s?   Right now- I have no clue. Just a lot of pain and frustrations, and really? No time for this. I have things to do, a life to live… and miles to go before I sleep.

Miles to go, Before I sleep.

I guess some of those miles will be walked in the company of an autoimmune disease. Fortunately- (For me) I’m not alone. I have several friends affected by auto immune disorders…. it’s good to know I’m not alone.. even here.

Dear Lord… I don’t get this messy season of life. I feel like every time I come up for air, a wave crashes on my head. I don’t LIKE this at all. But- I thank you for the doctor finding this new problem and trust you to keep guiding and healing through the wisdom I believe you give. I pray that I walk through this season with faith and in love… every day. Faith in your love for me… and in love for others….Lord help me not become so self focused that I miss opportunities to love others. Lord help me with the feelings of frustration, fear and pain. Help me to stay focused on you. I’m asking that you heal me and my husband lord…. but either way… we trust and walk with you. I love you lord….. But I’m not liking the plan right now… not at all. amen. 

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

Psalm 139…. yes, Lord… Even here.