The snow is gone.  The sun is shining in my backyard, I grabbed a cup of coffee and joined the cat in front of the doorwall to soak up the sunshiney goodness through the glass.  Once my eyes adjusted to the brilliant light.. (takes a while after the long winter here in Michigan…) I noticed the dog poo. Perfectly piled little gifts our beagle has been leaving us all winter long—like left over Easter eggs found in July, they are not a welcome surprise.

What I do not understand, is this:  A  winters’ worth of garbage that blew through the yard, is gone.  The papers and bits of plastic that blew out of frozen garbage cans before they could be emptied into the truck…are all gone, blown away by the Spring breezes (read: near gale force winds) or somehow melted away with the snow.   The left over fall leaves have disappeared, becoming one with the grass, as they should.  The yard looks pretty good aside form the mud, until you look closely, thats when you’ll notice the poo.

Perfectly preserved little piles, dotting the yard.  The one thing that is naturally biodegradable (it’s already halfway there- for pete’s sake, it’s been digested!) remains.   The poo piles.  WHY does dog poo- not biodegrade?  Why does it last through snow and ice and rain and sun and  global warming and global cooling and sleet and hail  all seemingly, un-changed?  I don’t get it.

I have no answers.  I have no spiritual analogy… only preserved piles of poo.  And the task of assigning my sons to clean them up…. which they are already arguing about.  They have offered numerous suggestions in regards to the poo: (more…)

The first one was an anamoly, the second a theme, the third?  An invasion.  They are tiny but mighty.  Little brown, annoying, biteless, pointless, ants. Everywhere. One attempted to imbibe in my morning cup of coffee.. I admit I enjoyed watching him die a white chocolate coconut flavored, death.  He was no Michael Phelps, the little guy shouldn’t have jumped into the coffee pool at all.

The visitors arrived yesterday, along with the rain.  Today the weather has cleared- so, I thought they were gone.  I was wrong. Their duck and cover to hide from the rain, must have resulted in their falling in love with my home.  They are back with a vengeance, and have brought friends.

I’ve found them: crawling on my couch, on my lap top (apparently they like twitter.) on the walls and under my books.  I found them in the kitchen and under the couch.  (Feasting on a Gusher’s wrapper,  a popsicle stick and a long lost piece of bubblegum.)  I enjoy having company, but, these guys are not welcome. 

I started out non-confrontational.  I tried the little crumbs trick from “The Secret Life of Bee’s.” I tried  to lure them back to the great outdoors… they thought it was a buffet.   Next, I turned the youngest loose to squash the little buggers. It gave him something to do while he was sick, but thats about all. He can’t keep up. It seems we have ants with loyalty issues. For every one he kills, two more return.  They are either cloning themselves or suicidal. I may be dealing with  kamikaze ants.  

I enlisted the help of my youngest.  (I’m holding off on the older two  boys, their solutions may involve flame throwers or chemical experimentation.. which I’m not quite desperate enough for, yet.) He  has been killing ants, one at a time, since yesterday afternoon. He’s got quite a method.  He uses a lego sword and stabs them to death, piling their mangled bodies for me to vacuum up, later.  I wonder if that counts as homeschool, today?  Maybe,if he counts them.  He’s been learning a lot about ant behavior and he observed that ant blood stinks. (No clue what possessed the boy to smell it.)

 Today, I am either more desperate- or more annoyed.  I brought out the ant spray, and the Dyson.  The vacuum sounded like a good way to rid myself quickly of the little invaders. Until,they crawled back out of the garbage can.  FYI- spraying ant spray into the garbage after you’ve dumped the vacuum/ant dust in there, leads to a face full of disgusting stuff that leaves you feeling a little high and not quite caring about the ants so much. However, I don’t recommend it. Once you are back to yourself, you will have to search out the little buggers again and squash them before they make it to the pantry. It was even less glamorous than it sounds.

I have sprayed the walls and possible entry points like a Mommy- Marine- securing the perimeter.  I sprayed outside around the windows and doors.  I sprinkled ant barrier, made a  few  threats (where would I find an anteater, anyways?)and yet- the ants keep marching in. Apparently, they are mutant ants that are invulnerable to the spray.  Like tiny little Jason’s they keep coming back coming back. It’s not efficient, but I have to admit there is a certain pleasure in it. I may have yelled “DIE, SUCKER!”  a time or two,while brandishing the can like a semi- automatic.

At this point, I no longer care about being green- or nice, I want them, dead. 

This afternoon, I’ll be heading to Home Depot to add to my ant slaying arsenal.  Others may be stockpiling guns and ammo- I’m stockpiling ant spray.  I’ll pick up borax, INHUMANE ant traps and the most lethal chemical cocktail I can find. I’ll set up a tiny little feast of doom, tonight those ants dine in… well, not Sparta, or my kitchen.

 I shall prevail.  I am smarter than a tiny ant, I am the supreme being here. I have opposable thumbs, for pete’s sake!

On the upside… this happens every Spring.  Some have bulbs that announce it’s arrival, I have tiny stinky brown ants. Oh well, Happy Spring!

If you have sure fire cures for little ants- leave them in the comments.. I can use all the help I can get.. the lego ant slayer is getting tired.. :)