Quiet. It’s very quiet at the Cancer center. They try to cover it up with classical music playing softly through invisible speakers constructed by some medical 007 musical research team. But, even high class, spy created music cannot drown out the quiet. The quiet keeps growing. It gets louder with every person who walks through the door. The quiet grows in the hush of emotions being held  in check. The quiet is the sound of the tension between managing fear and hope.The quiet is the holding of breath before the breaking of news.

I am: not quiet.

In trying to keep myself from being driven mad by the quiet-(And driving everyone else nuts in the process-)  I tend to pace, knit, listen to music or books on my iPod , read and or wander, while we wait. Sometimes all of the above at the same time.  Trust me. But it’s not just an abundance of nervous energy.

The truth is: I’m looking for God. I’m desperate for a reminder of his presence in this place. In the quiet.

Most of the time- I find something. A word. A visual. Something. A tiny nest of peace found in storm of anxious silence.

Last week- I found: nothing.

I walked around the corner. I looked at every piece of art, (Art therapy is big at cancer centers. Gotta love that.) expecting to find some little reminder. A bird. A nest. SOMETHING. I found: Nada. Nothing. Pretty, challenging and intriguing stuff. But: NOTHING.

I did the magic bible trick-(Come on- we all know the magic bible trick- it’s when you ask God to say SOMETHING and then flip open your bible like a leather magic 8 ball and “claim” what is written there as a personal promise.) I landed on the blank leaf between old and new testaments. I tried the spiritual discipline of iPod shuffle. (Same deal- just with your iPod.) A random Lascivious Biddies song popped up. I feared my ipod would spontaneously combust due to some “Nothing but classical Music” cancer center policy that I probably received a copy of, but never read. (Cancer= a lot of papers. Like- if we stopped printing so much rainforest devastating cancer information paper- we could find the cancer cure- amount of paper. Justsayin. it’s a  lot. I don’t read it all. Of course. )

Just: (more…)